On The Buses.

We’ve all had the misfortune of having to endure a bus journey at some point in our miserable existence, unless you’re a Royal, extremely rich or never leave the house, and its this experience that I will be complaining about today…

I could easily have called this entry ‘Public Transport’ but I don’t happen to think that they’re all quite so horrendous. For example, the Metro train service, its quick, fairly reliable and smells faintly of disinfectant, which is infinitely preferably to piss.

It’s not to say that the other services have their own problems but buses seem to have a unique ability to do everything so badly, it makes you wonder if going back to horse and cart would be preferable. Theyre late, they’re polluting, they smell awful, they’re expensive, theyre slow, they are all of the things you don’t want from something that is supposed to make your life easier but still, people are encouraged to use them without ever trying to improve the system.

This is all a little serious, I concede, but given that so many people have to rely on these hulking, pollution-monsters for their daily lives, Id just like them to be a little bit better.

We could start with the cost. When one thing costs ‘x” and the other costs ‘y’ you generally prefer the cheapest option, given the variable of quality. So what happens when the cheapest is also the best quality? We choose that every time. In this case, it’s called the car. So on the basis of cost, the bus loses more supporters than the Liberal Democrats post-coalition.

Then there’s the time a bus takes to do the same journey against any other form of transport. These things are damn slow, slower than Emile Heskey. Kicking out half of China’s CO2 emissions from its huge exhaust, you could be forgiven for thinking Ray Mears was up inside it frantically rubbing two sticks together, showing us how to survive the cold while we wait for the bus to lumber along to its final destination. Maybe its just because it’s a diesel, I like the Ray Mears idea myself.

I recently checked out of interest, a bus journey from Jarrow to Durham, a distance of around 18 miles which takes 30 minutes in a car. If I had the inclination, Id put a multiple choice up here asking you how long the bus takes in comparison but I havent. Instead, I’ll just tell you. Nearly 2 hours with 2 changes. To put it in perspective, I could ride a bike 18 miles in 2 hours which is free and good for me apparently, along with all of that fresh air, something very absent on a bus…

The SAS get special training to survive in hostile environments, harsh and noisy conditions. In times of recession, I have an answer. Put them on the Number 21. I don’t know what makes buses smell so bad either, it could be old people, it could be the diesel fumes seeping into the passenger area, it could be the drivers late night Biryani, I just don’t know but it always smells bad. Well-known busologist, Dr. Aiston, tells us it could even be embalming fluid.

The people on the bus always make it an entertaining journey, that’s for sure. Those kids with their headphones in, iPod cranked up to 11 although most certainly not listening to Spinal Tap, more the latest shite than passes for pop music these days. Where has all the original music gone? Are we destined to be bombarded with cheap, unoriginal tripe every time we switch the radio on? Is this the reason I hate the radio? Am I going wildly off topic?

Whats worse however, the irritating chavs who have the misguided opinion that I want to hear the latest gabba hardcore release being blared incoherently through an ASDA pay-as-you-go mobile phone speaker accompanied by droning, illiterate ‘MC’ing’. Honestly, Id rather engage Big Brother contestants in a serious arable farming discussion than put up with that crap on a daily basis.

I might look into old laws, there are ones where you can shoot a man with a crossbow if you’re wearing a hat in Grimsby, maybe there is a law that states I can smash a chavs face in with an ornamental figurine on the bus while he listens to gabba hardcore if I buy a Buzzfare monthly pass. I’m nothing if not a wishful thinker.

All in all, a bus is not a place you want to be, let alone be reliant on.

I’m going to start boring myself shortly so I’ll wrap it up. Buses need a kick up the arse, make them cheap, we can put up with the crap that goes with them, make them nice and we don’t mind paying the price but the way it is now, I’d rather get on my bike, not on the buses…